Ayahuasca is a hallucinogenic plant infusion that is used for healing and divinatory purposes by the indigenous people of the Amazon in Peru. Ayahuasca is an important part of Inca philosophy, enabling an awakening that opens one´s heart and allows the transformation of suffering into love and compassion, as well as creating or futhering a relationship with Pachamama, Mother Nature. It allows you to find the origin of negative karma and turn it into positive by aligning your relationship with nature, which, I think we can all agree, many cultures have fallen out from. Ayahuasca is used by Shamans to heal a variety of psychological and spiritual illnesses and can also be used to initiate people in their process of personal development and help heal physical ailments.
So after hearing all these splendid things about this epiphany-invoking, life-changing, soul-bettering drug I was disappointed. I'm not going to lie, I thought it would be much, much more profound than what it was. I thought it would be quiet and calm in my head and I would receive beautiful and direct visions with soul-shaking clarity. Instead it was pretty chaotic. I had unbelievably loud and non-stop ringing in my ears which was incredibly overwhelming (especially for someone with a hearing loss), making it incredibly hard to concentrate. My mind was going a million miles an hour but with thoughts that seemed very superficial. My visions were more like I was drunk and imaging silly little things of no significance or substance and with very little shape or realness to them. The few times I did think I had visions that seemed somewhat significant it felt like they came from my head, not my heart. Except one. I saw a tiger, a tiger that I knew lived inside of me or was a manifestation of me (which is cool as my papa calls me Tige as a nickname, ever since I was tiny). My mind thought the tiger had always been in me, protecting me and bringing me courage. I saw him and I knew he was going to stay beside me for the entire ayahuasca trip, to guide me and to protect me. Which was a little counteractive as I then went on to think I was going to have a magnificent adventure in my head, albeit perhaps a little scary or dangerous. Which didn't really happen, at least to the extremes I was expecting. I also thought I imagined a snake, briefly, although I felt like that was my mind telling me what to imagine. A snake is the symbol of Mother Ayahuasca and one of the Pachamama symbols and is a vision that is notoriously encountered by many people. As one of my aims of taking ayahuasca was to solidify my relationship with nature, which I hold in the absolute highest regard, I really thought that taking Ayahuasca would allow me to experience a vision of Pachamama, Mother Nature, who would bring me some sort of message or epiphany, especially in relation to what sort of path I should follow in terms of employment as this is a source of confusion in my life at the moment. However, with the constant ringing in my hears and the jumbled, seemingly insignificant pictures/thoughts I didn't feel like I had a particularly spiritual journey. I finished Ayahasca very worried that I thought too much with my mind and not my heart even though I was trying so hard not to. I was so disappointed that I didn't have a more profound experience, as I felt incredibly ready to receive a message about my life in this medium, that I almost cried. The catalyst in ending the first nights experience of ayahuasca was when I thought I had been hit in the side of the head. The ringing in my ears had gotten so unbelievably and unbearably, incredibly loud and then it suddenly ended when I jerked wide awake, body totally frozen, because I thought I had been hit by something totally solid on the side of my head. I actually looked around to see if anyone nearby had played an extremely nasty trick on me. But nope, turns out Ayahuasca is a physical and mental experience. And I decided to take getting walloped in the side of the head by an invisible hand as a sign that I needed to quiet my mind.
Besides doing two Ayahuasca sessions we partook in a few other very necessary ceremonies on this retreat as well. The first one was a coca leaf reading by a Shaman in which he manipulated coca leaves (very sacred to most South Americans but Peruvians in particular) that are often used in ceremonies for the Gods as symbolic offerings. Three coca leaves represent three lives (past, present and future), as well as representing, in this case, Mother Pachamama, Mother Ayahuasca and one's own Mother. After reading different coca leaves the Shaman deemed us ready to take Ayahuasca after a cleansing ceremony. This ceremony involved us individually imaging ridding ourselves of toxins and bad energies as we were briskly shook over with a Condor feather. During the Ayahuasca ceremony this feather was also used to shake off any bad energies that may arise or try to penetrate our open, and therefore vulnerable, minds, as well as lots of flower poitions to protect us and special tobacco smoke. The final ceremony was after the two Ayahuasca sessions and involved us and the Shaman making offerings and blessing to Pachamama. Anyway, along with the ceremonies came opportunities to discuss our visions with the Shaman. After telling him (through a translator as he spoke Quechua) my somewhat subdued experience he decided I needed more cleansing as I may have a blockage between my head and heart due to a history of depression. So lots more feather clearing, poking and prodding commenced until I was deemed ready. I had also made a conscious decision to not put so much pressure on the experience, lower my expectations and really just let go and let be (which is something I have been trying to implement more into my everyday life).
I saw my tiger, I saw a blur of animals, of stars, colours, shapes, bursts of light. I saw the Shaman transform into an old woman before my eyes and the feather headpiece he wore got bigger seemed to be floating away. His voice cut through the darkness and became an anchor in the midst of my mind. At one stage the poor Argentinean guy was fighting demons in his head and was yelling and screaming and physically lashing out and I started to get very scared thinking that the devil himself was in the poor guy. But the sweet old Shaman´s voice, his chanting and singing overpowered the devil´s voice and brought calm to me. I became a little bird and pecked at my twin sister´s head, releasing streams of sunlight and pain that causes her intense migraines. I saw two big eyes peeking out of a green hillside mound that belonged to a little boy with brown hair and who I think may one day be my son. I saw beautiful sceneries of landscapes and colors and although it wasn't as clear, nor did it hold some fundamental message that I hoped it would, I think I did see Pachamama in the rain. And perhaps that was my lesson, not to expect or hope that the significant messages in my life show themselves crystal-clear and present themselves on a plate for me but perhaps I need to Let go and Let be and take things for what they simply are. And quite frankly, in the midst of my ayahuasca-ladden colorful mind, beneath the hammering rain of mother nature, they seemed quite beautiful.
